Showing posts with label PTSD books. Show all posts
Showing posts with label PTSD books. Show all posts

Friday, June 16, 2023

"Can Chris ever live a normal life again?

Wounded Times
Kathie Costos
June 16, 2023

"If you’ve read the rest of the series, you’ll love this book."

13th Minister Of Salem can be found here at Books2Read in eBook and print. It can also be found on Amazon.

Reviewed by Anne-Marie Reynolds for Readers' Favorite *****

Kathie Costos continues her series with the 13th Minister of Salem: Ministers of the Mystery. Chris is now famous beyond anything he ever imagined and cannot go out without a security detail. Death threats from Haman Cain’s cult abound after Chris took him down, and his books have brought him prominence that he doesn’t welcome. All he wants is a normal life, but something is coming that even he may not be able to stop. Planning his wedding and hoping for normality, Chris receives a warning from the Master, telling him his time may soon be up. What will transpire and can Chris ever live a normal life again?

Kathie Costos expands on Chris and his journey in 13th Minister of Salem and it is a great addition to a supernatural series filled with plenty of suspense. Chris’s growth has been solid throughout the series and that doesn’t change in this installment. He’s a strong character with plenty of demons to fight, and each battle takes a bit more out of him. The remaining role players are equally well-developed and are easy to relate to. This is not a story for the faint-hearted, nor is it for younger readers. It’s a dark tale, with adult scenes, and will send chills down your spine in places. Like the other books in the series, this is full of action, and it’s all go from the start. If you’ve read the rest of the series, you’ll love this book. It should not be regarded as a standalone as you will need the background from the first two books to understand this one.

When I read the review from Anne-Marie Reynolds, it hit me when she asked, "...can Chris ever live a normal life again?" If you have #PTSD, you may have been asking the same question.  Most of the people I've met over the years asked that question. What we all missed was that this is normal for us. It will never be 100% the way it was. Some of it may remain difficult for a long time but other things can become so much more than we ever imagined that they could.

I hope by the time you finish this series, you'll understand that the only limits on what you can become after surviving the cause of PTSD, no matter what it was, are the limits you place on yourself.



Monday, June 5, 2023

13th Minister Of Salem "delivers a satisfying reading experience"

"Costos once again demonstrates her ability to deliver a satisfying reading experience."

Reviewed by Parul Sood for Readers’ Favorite
Review Rating: 4 Stars

Kathie Costos's 13th Minister Of Salem, the third installment in the Ministers Of The Mystery series, immerses readers in a world of supernatural horror, suspense, and dark drama. In this intriguing continuation of the series, we are reunited with Chris, the protagonist whose talents and achievements have garnered attention but, unfortunately, also attracted trouble. Threatened by the lingering cult of the now-defeated Haman Cain, his attempts to marry become overshadowed by constant death threats. To make matters worse, the Master's warning about his impending end-time further adds to the mounting pressure. As Chris's battles escalate, the fame accompanying his books brings unwanted attention and danger. Death threats and an unexpected shooting test his resilience and determination to overcome adversity. The Master Ministers, ever vigilant, stand ready to protect Chris from the forces of darkness that seek to destroy him, highlighting his pivotal role in the ongoing battle between good and evil.

In 13th Minister Of Salem, Kathie Costos skillfully plunges readers into gothic suspense, drama, and chilling thrills. The psychological storyline captivates and resonates deeply as readers witness the realistic damage inflicted upon Chris by his previous adventures and battles. Costos's intimate narrative portrayal effectively conveys Chris's pain, isolation, and the mounting pressure he experiences. Handling the story's darkest elements is expertly executed, evoking a bone-chilling sensation while avoiding gratuitousness. The story is a compelling paranormal thriller that continues to showcase Costos's prowess in crafting an engaging narrative. Fans of the series will find themselves deeply involved in the twists and turns of Chris's journey. With its compelling narrative, intimately portrayed characters, and exploration of challenging beliefs, this paranormal suspense novel is a must-read for fans and enthusiasts of the genre. Costos once again demonstrates her ability to deliver a satisfying reading experience.

When I started writing the series, among the many goals, was to tell a story about what few can imagine. 

It had to tell a horror story since that is how #PTSD begins. One second your life consists of living day to day with the usual problems everyone else has. Then it changes without warning sending you into your own horror story as you struggle with surviving.

It had to be a story about peer support giving hope that healing is possible by someone willing to be an example of what seems impossible.

It had to be a story about the Witch Trials that tells an alternative story focused on what few have considered.

It had to be a story about how to use spiritual gifts. Separating "religious" divisions and focusing on uniting spirituality. 

Most of all, it had to tell the stories of other survivors of the traumas that cause PTSD because too many have been led to believe that it only happens to veterans of war. This is a war that millions find themselves fighting every year. Once we all see how, while the cause may be different, the struggle of survivorship is universal.


UPDATE

Another review came in on the 13th Minister Of Salem

Reviewed by Essien Asian for Readers' Favorite *****
With book sales doing well and his adversary Cain finally behind bars, everything looks like it can only get better for Chris, but as he continues his agenda to spread the gospel with his friend's help, he realizes a horrible truth. Cain may be gone, but his warped followers walk free with a grudge they bear toward Chris. When he is attacked by one of the zealots, Chris comes to a crossroads in his journey where he must decide how best to continue the work of God despite the mounting dangers to himself and his loved ones. What is the best way forward when the biggest obstacle is in your mind? Find out what he chooses in 13th Minister Of Salem by Kathie Costos.

Chris Papadopoulos continues his journey of self-discovery in the series' second book. Kathie Costos creates a storyline that sees her principal character make breakthroughs in his personal life and efforts to spread the gospel, similar to the travails of the apostles. Costos takes a firm stand in her position against the growing trend of the tolerance of sin in the church, with the quasi-Christianity topic featuring prominently. The supporting characters in the plot maintain that depth in their creation that I associate with Costos's eye for attention to even the least obvious details, and their conversations come across smoothly enough for the reader to follow. The best part of this novel for me has to be the romantic subplot coming full circle as Grace finds answers to the puzzle surrounding her life and the way it factors into her growing relationship with Chris. Kathie Costos's 13th Minister Of Salem is an all-around satisfying reading experience I am sure everyone will enjoy.

I love this review but feel the need to explain something the reviewer focused on. 

Are you tired of churches more interested in getting your money than delivering what Jesus taught? Do they preach about those they want you to hate, or do they preach about mercy, love, compassion, and tolerance? Do they condemn or do they show how you can be forgiven? Above all, do they preach about how Jesus taught that we should go to the Father directly and pray through the spirit because God is the spirit?

If they did then you'd totally understand that is the "image" of God and is within all of us. That He started one assembly that was not a building but a gathering of people. That we should be kind and understanding knowing that we should do for others the same way we ask God to do for us when we pray to Him. That we should, no matter what, value truth so that we do not fall prey to the father of lies.

It doesn't matter if you go to a church or not, or any other religious building. It does matter that if you claim to be a follower of His, then you should try to do what He preached about and not some man-made rules that cause division and hatred of others with the Spirit of God within them too. 

Tuesday, February 7, 2023

Ministers Of The Mystery: Where PTSD and the Salem Witch Trials Meet

The Crossroads Where PTSD and the Salem Witch Trials Meet

Contributor: BookTrib
BookTrib
February 6, 2023 


Kathie Costos and Murray

The Scribe of Salem by Kathie Costos
Most people who have the slightest interest in the occult, hard-to-believe historical occurrences or early settlers of North America will be familiar with the Salem Witch Trials. In The Scribe of Salem: Ministers of the Mystery, the first book in the Ministers of the Mystery series, Kathie Costos takes readers on a wild fictional journey that has one foot in reality. Filled with suspense, historical intrigue, magic, and scripture, this supernatural thriller discusses the horrors of those legendary trials and how they impact the town to this day.

We spoke to Katie Costos about her inspiration for The Scribe of Salem, as well as her own personal connection with the infamous town.

Q: What first drew your attention to the Salem witch trials?
A: I grew up near Salem and at least once a year, I’d go there to visit the museums and walk what I called the trail of tears knowing so many innocent people were accused of witchcraft, imprisoned, tortured and 20 of them were legally murdered because of hatred by people claiming to be Christian. That most of the accusers were dealing with what we now call Post Traumatic Stress Disorder — PTSD.
Q: What kind of research did you do in writing this book?
A: The witchcraft trials have been a lifetime hobby but PTSD has been my vocation for 40 years. It is a battle between what is good within us that leaves us asking if God did it to us or if God saved us. I tried to look at the trials in a different way and discovered that they had to find something or someone to blame for the calamities they could not explain. They blamed Satan and outcasts at first but then greed and hatred took over so no one was safe. It made me wonder what finally got through to the people and the trials ended, as much as if God tried to prevent it from happening ahead of time.
Q: What can you tell us about Chris’s character and his journey?
A: Chris was brilliant but his mind could not stop his soul from being wounded after surviving a bomb blast leaving him covered with scars on the right side of his body, and the scars in his soul. He could begin to lose his faith in God and friends as PTSD was eating away at hope and was pushed over the edge after his wife tried to kill him. By the 7th anniversary of the blast, he had given up, and with no hope left, he decided to end his suffering on his terms but God had other ideas. The time had come for the reason he was sent to this world to begin. His friends came back into his life, strangers came into it and he followed where he was being led. He met a woman named Mandy, a Master Minister of the Mystery, able to see into his soul and guided by God to bless his healing so he could do what she was unable to do. read more here

Friday, February 3, 2023

Time to give yourself the gift of love to heal #PTSD

Wounded Times
Kathie Costos
February 3, 2023

There are all different kinds of love, so I thought it was appropriate that The Visionary Of Salem be offered for free until Valentine's Day.


THE VISIONARY OF SALEM at Barnes and Noble or wherever you read eBooks.
Never underestimate the power you have within your skin! While your body came from your parents, your soul came from God. With it came everything you need to do for the purpose you were sent here to do. In Chris's case, he was sent in a time of darkness sweeping over the world to light the darkness with the flame of hope.

Chris and his friends face more battles as he struggles with trying to finish his third book. He's haunted by terrifying dreams of a woman. He is stalked by a fraud who passes himself off as a reverend while having hallucinations of Reverend George Burroughs who was hung during the witchcraft craze in 1692.

Chris always wondered what those people would think about what Salem turned into as a tourist destination. He just never thought that real witches were all around him and he wasn't the only one keeping secrets.

He discovered that the people in his life were there for a reason and a higher purpose. He had to fight to heal, reconnect to his spiritual faith, and believe in miracles again. The only thing standing in his way was his inability to believe in himself. It took a witch named Mandy to show him the power within himself. He healed, became a best-selling author of two inspirational books, a series being filmed, reunited with friends, and had more wealth and fame than he ever dreamed of, but still, he fought against changes in his life. His new psychologist was trying to get Chris to figure out what she already knew about him. She gained his trust, but he had no idea what she did in her free time.

This book explores possibilities and empowerment, especially if you have survived child abuse, in whatever form. Bullies at school, parents that should have never been parents, adult predators, and even those who simply refused to show you all the wonderful things inside of you. Your possibilities are endless.

The characters in this book tell the story of what happened to them when they were young. All grown up, successful leaders, and inspirational lives, they still carry pain from when they were young. The difference is, that pain does not limit them from what they can do. They carry it with them so they have the fuel to do even more! It is about defeating the #PTSD demon trying to remove all hope.

Wednesday, January 25, 2023

Free gift to readers of Wounded Times

Wounded Times
Kathie Costos
January 25, 2023

When I was writing The Ministers Of The Mystery series, I was thinking of all of you. All the people I've met over the years struggling to heal #PTSD and then turning around to help other people heal too. I am in awe of each and every one of you. I wanted to find a way to let you know that.

The Scribe Of Salem is the first book in the series. I've been auditioning narrators for audiobooks. I found several that delivered the emotions of this rollercoaster ride, as well as had a voice that fit. I had a woman do one chapter from each book and liked it. However, I've decided to go back to my original thought of having a male read it. The main character is male, but there are at least 30 characters in the three books and heavy dialogue going on. It seemed more important for the voice to carry the overall flow. 

Anyway, when I was uploading this video of Chapter 3, The Trials, I decided it was time to thank all of you and anyone else interested in reading these books.

All of us know the way our story happened. It started out with shock, confusion, and feeling lost in our own bodies. For most of us, someone came along to help us find our way back to seeing ourselves when we look in the mirror again. That is the way the first book starts. It is also for all of us, no matter what caused PTSD in us. Remember, the only way to get hit by PTSD is to survive the trauma that caused it, and the only way out of it is to be shown the way to heal. The fabulous thing about us is, we aren't selfish and love to pay it forward, helping someone else the same way others helped us. 

By this chapter, Chris's old friends came back into his life when he needed them the most. He also met Alex and Mary Michaels. They are book publishers he agreed to show around Salem. They are walking around when this story begins to get really strange.

Read The Scribe Of Salem for free until January 31!
Please leave a review of what you think wherever you read it from. It will help me as I write the 4th book. Right now I am still researching it and a good time to discover what hits people the most.

Monday, January 16, 2023

When is a PTSD book not?

Wounded Times
Kathie Costos
January 16, 2023

When is a #PTSD not a PTSD book? When it isn't what you expect or have been led to believe.
"In The Scribe of Salem: Ministers of the Mystery, the first book in the Ministers of the Mystery series, Kathie Costos takes readers on a wild fictional journey that has one foot in reality. Filled with suspense, historical intrigue, magic and scripture, get ready for an edge-of-your-seat novel that’ll leave you wanting more."


For 4 decades, I've been saying the same thing but the suffering that didn't need to happen kept happening. What I was saying was not, and is not, wrong. The problem is, this site didn't get through to enough people. The videos didn't get through to enough people. The non-fiction books I wrote didn't get through enough and the fiction ones didn't work. 

I had to find a new way of telling what needs to be known and leave it up to the reader to take away what they need from this work.

The Ministers Of The Mystery Series is about everyone struggling to heal after surviving. There are veterans in it from different decades. A retired police officer struggling to heal after PULSE. Survivors of domestic violence and child abuse. A retired pastor struggling to heal from what taking care of his congregation did to him. And the one they all joined forces to save, a newspaper reporter.


There is a review coming out on Wednesday, January 18th. I couldn't believe how much the reviewer got out of it. Yet, not once did she mention the term PTSD.

I figured, who knows horror more than people that survived the cause of their PTSD?
"Readers will also appreciate the tragic characters that Kathie Costos crafted. Each character has a backstory, a darkness that surrounds them. They try to get rid of that lingering shadow, yes, but it’s always there. This, paired with the author’s atmospheric writing, turns The Scribe of Salem into an almost modern-gothic novel that is in the same vein as Edgar Allan Poe’s works."
I can't wait until you can read the rest but for now, I hope you see that just because a lot of people are doing a lot of things to help others with PTSD, it is because we all matter!

Wednesday, December 7, 2022

If I helped you, can you help me?

Wounded Times
Kathie Costos
December 7, 2022

Amazing what a good therapist can do. I have rewritten these books so many times now, that I am dreaming about the characters as if they are real friends of mine. I am working on the next part but taking my time. The thing is, had it not been for my therapist, there is no way The Ministers Of The Mystery Series would have been finished.

If I helped you over the last 40 years, or since 2007 on Wounded Times, can you help me?


I wrote before about how the beginning of this year started out with the heartbreak of losing one of my best friends. I don't get much support, and to tell you the truth, most of my life has been that way. To lose someone like Gunny to COVID was like losing a part of myself. He believed in me when no one else did. He encouraged me, corrected my notorious typos, and let me know when something I wrote was spot on or totally missed the point.

So there I was, trying to rewrite the books when I felt more connected to the darkness and suffering of the story and the loneliness than I did to the hopeful messages. What made it worse, was, a lot of people liked the story but it didn't fit in with what most people believed. That meant I was struggling on every side.

I needed help to get passed that grief of losing Gunny to be able to just finish the work I started a year ago. Being an author is a lonely thing to do as it is. Add in living in a new state, having moved in 4 months before the pandemic hit, and then politics getting in the way of everything, and the loneliness grew to the point where I just couldn't trust anyone that I had not known for years. The biggest thing was, I couldn't trust myself after I lost faith in so many others and figured it had to be because I wasn't worthy of making friends or finding support like Gunny gave me.

Being able to open up to a therapist helped enough so that while I miss Gunny, my heart is no longer broken and I don't cry several times a day. Now we're working on getting me to the point where I am able to reach out again. This is the first step.

If you are dealing with #PTSD or know someone, so is everyone else in these books. They don't focus on the doom and gloom but make room for healing and hope that you can too.

If you shoved people out of your life when you needed them the most, everyone in the books did too. They all had to learn how to trust again. They all had to be encouraged, inspired, and supported by someone letting them know they were worthy of being happier.

If you wonder where God was or why He didn't prevent something, so did everyone in these books until they understood He does not mess with freewill and that includes those who choose to harm others, as much as those who refuse to do what they can to prevent something from happening.

The premise is, God tried to get the protagonist Chris to listen to Him so he wouldn't suffer. He tried over and over again but ended up having to be blamed for everything Christ went through.

So how did Chris go from, "I would have told you what I thought about God,” he looked down, “that He’s a vindictive son of a bitch playing around with people’s lives and making us suffer for fun. Now I don’t know what to think,” kind of thinking? His friends opened his eyes because they suffered too, blamed God, and suffered until someone helped them.

I couldn't put these books into "The Christian" genre because they claim it goes against "the church" when in fact, scripture supports the direct connection we all have to God and do not need a building to do it for us. If you go to church, that's fine too, as long as you accept the fact that Jesus prayed and preached outside most of the time, and then you'll understand how others who chose to not belong to a church still love God. If you have a problem with some claiming to be witches, also claim to be Christian, but can understand that the miracles in the New Testament were thought to be "witchcraft" or "sorcery" topped off with Jesus being accused of serving Beelzebub by the Pharisees then you'll be able to understand how many people used the gifts of their spirit to help others.

Ministers Of The Mystery you can also find this series on Books2Read
The Vision Awaits Prophecy: "The 13th Minister shall arise from the shadow of Proctor’s Ledge and demons will dread the sword of truth in the hands of the powerful scribe."

In modern-day Salem, The Master Ministers were preparing for the most powerful one of all would take his place as the 13th Minister. All they had to do was convince him to do it.

Ministers Of The Mystery Series explores the miraculous power within all of us to help one another achieve the purpose we were all sent here to fulfill.

Some churches say that no one can be a Christian and a witch at the same time. Are Christian witches, witches, or ministering spirits? “To each is given the manifestation of the Spirit for the common good.” 1 Corinthians 12:7. The churches point out the passages condemning witchcraft while ignoring the fact that in each case, those practicing witchcraft were accused of doing it for evil purposes. In all the other passages, someone using gifts of the spirit was accepted because they were using their gifts to help others. So are these Christian witches, really witches or are they ministering spirits empowered by God to do good in this world?

We know evil exists. The question is, why did God let it happen? Did God try to prevent the Salem Witchcraft Trials? Did He try to prevent the suffering of His servants here on earth? If you believe the Bible then you know that God does not create evil, but He does create miracles. What if Reverend George Burroughs was sent to Salem Village to prevent the trials but the people who were supposed to help him, turned against him?

What if there is someone on this earth today sent to help heal the world and prevent suffering but is receiving the help he needs to do what he was sent to do? What if everything is in place for it to all happen, but he decides to not do it? The Scribe of Salem is book one. The Visionary of Salem is book two. 13th Minister of Salem is book three.
The Scribe Of Salem Kindle eBook and paperback, also from other book sellers
Chris thought he knew all there was to know about Salem and the Witchcraft Trials. He was about to discover how wrong he was. He began to feel as if his life was a horror novel the ghost of Thomas Aquinas started and Edgar Allan Poe was put in charge of the ending. He was about to discover how right he was about that!

He hated changes since most of the ones that already happened made his life worse. In one single night, at Bishop Hotel bar in Salem, a series of changes began that had him terrified. Chris didn't know how right he was to be afraid.A Master Minister was waiting for him in New Hampshire.

There was a time when people claimed to be Christians but proved they did not follow the values faithfully. They made false accusations against over 200 people and rejoiced when 20 were put to death because Puritans decided to hate them. It wasn't a new phenomenon. The Pharisees accused Jesus of serving Beelzebul and their lies were responsible for nailing Him to the Cross. The Puritans may have given up the persecution of so-called witches but their use of the power of lies was a lesson far too many learned. The people with gifts beyond nature were forced into hiding knowing a time would come when they too would be vindicated. The Master Ministers were preparing for when the most powerful one of all would take his place as the 13th Minister.

The Visionary Of Salem
Never underestimate the power you have within your skin! While your body came from your parents, your soul came from God. With it came everything you need to do for the purpose you were sent here to do. In Chris's case, he was sent in a time of darkness sweeping over the world to light the darkness with the flame of hope.

Chris and his friends face more battles as he struggles with trying to finish his third book. He's haunted by terrifying dreams of a woman. He is stalked by a fraud who passes himself off as a reverend while having hallucinations of Reverend George Burroughs who was hung during the witchcraft craze in 1692.

Chris always wondered what those people would think about what Salem turned into as a tourist destination. He just never thought that real witches were all around him and he wasn't the only one keeping secrets.

He discovered that the people in his life were there for a reason and a higher purpose. He had to fight to heal, reconnect to his spiritual faith, and believe in miracles again. The only thing standing in his way was his inability to believe in himself. It took a witch named Mandy to show him the power within himself. He healed, became a best-selling author of two inspirational books, a series being filmed, reunited with friends, and had more wealth and fame than he ever dreamed of, but still, he fought against changes in his life. His new psychologist was trying to get Chris to figure out what she already knew about him. She gained his trust, but he had no idea what she did in her free time.

13th Minister Of The Mystery
Chris’s battles were growing. He became so famous, he had to hire security just to be able to go out in public. After taking down Haman Cain, he was getting death threats from his cult. He hated the fame his books brought to him, as much as he hated the changes that were coming non-stop. The series from his first book, making wedding plans were only the beginning of his torment. He was shot and feared he’d never be able to use his hand again.

The worst came when he received a Master Minister of the Mystery warning.

“Dark forces are already at work writing your wedding dirge. Your assailant has been chosen but so has your avenger.”

The help I need from you is, I have the eBooks at $2.99 and the print books are priced as low as I can too. If you can, please buy one and let me know what you think. Did they give you hope you can heal too? Inspire you to help someone else? Encourage you to feed your spiritual connection to God again? Did they help you see the Salem Witchcraft Trials in a different way?

You can leave a comment on the sites you purchased the books from or you can email me at woundedtimes@aol.com.


Friday, October 21, 2022

The Scribe, Ministers Of The Mystery Book One

Wounded Times
Kathie Costos
October 21, 2022

In the last few posts I put up, I wrote about having to go back into therapy to heal from the loss of my best friend Gunny. I wasn't just dealing with grief but having a hard time understanding how the book I was writing was causing me spiritual turmoil. For most of my life, no matter what happened, I tried to look on the positive side but by editing the last book, I was more connected to the darker parts of the story.

When I told my therapist, she suggested I go with what I was drawn to instead of trying to fight it, and then I'd be able to connect better with the positive side. She was right. It worked. I finished editing the 13th Minister Of The Mystery and realized why I had such a hard time with the other books. I was trying to fit in with what most people consider "Christian" books instead of writing what I believed. I mean, considering these books were intended for people that do not go to church or belong to any kind of organized religious body, it felt fake to me.

The truth is that I no longer attended church services because I didn't feel as if I belonged there, I shouldn't try to fit in with what churchgoers thought. After all, the majority of the people I helped over the last 4 decades, didn't go to church even though the majority believed in God and most believed Jesus was His Son, as much as they believed in the Holy Spirit. Different religious groups believe differently about the subject of the Holy Trinity and have their own rules set by humans. They base what they preach on what they want their people to know and believe what they want them to believe. Whenever I addressed the spiritual connection to healing PTSD, it was all based on the Bible intended to empower them and not indoctrinate them into what I believed.

So here are some facts in case you're wondering if you are alone or not. This is from PRRI

The Rise of the “Nones” Slows
Disaffiliating white Christians have fueled the growth of the religiously unaffiliated during this period. Only 16% of Americans reported being religiously unaffiliated in 2007; this proportion rose to 19% by 2012, and then gained roughly a percentage point each year from 2012 to 2017. Reflecting the patterns above, the proportion of religiously unaffiliated Americans hit a high point of 26% in 2018 but has since slightly declined, to 23% in 2020.
The increase in proportion of religiously unaffiliated Americans has occurred across all age groups but has been most pronounced among young Americans. In 1986, only 10% of those ages 18–29 identified as religiously unaffiliated. In 2016, that number had increased to 38%, and declined slightly in 2020, to 36%.

The other thing is, within those attending churches, not all belong to the same church body. Anyone suggesting that this is a Christian nation should have to offer a disclaimer that there are many different beliefs under that title and they do so because they do not all agree on doctrine. I was raised in Eastern Orthodox (Greek) faith. This shows the difference. Live Science
Why does Christianity have so many denominations?
Then, in 1054, the Eastern Orthodox Christians split from the Western Roman Catholics in what's known as the Great Schism. The two groups disagreed on the taking of the sacraments — religious symbols believed to transmit divine grace to the believer. Furthermore, the Eastern Orthodox Christians disagreed with the Roman beliefs that priests should remain celibate and that the Roman pope had authority over the head of the Eastern church, according to Encyclopedia Britannica.
There was even a temporary schism, known as the Western Schism, within the Catholic Church itself in 1378, when two men, and eventually a third, claimed to be the true papal heir. The division lasted almost 40 years, and by the time it was resolved in 1417, the rivaling popes had significantly damaged the reputation (opens in new tab) of the papal office.
Despite this handful of schisms, the Catholic Church successfully suppressed other potential Christian offshoots "partly by sustained persecution [including] actual military expeditions against some labelled heretics, but then also a new system of enquiries into people's beliefs, called inquisitions. With the backing of secular rulers, heretics might be burned at the stake or forced into denying their beliefs," MacCulloch told Live Science via email.
I went back and rewrote The Lost Son Series. It didn't make sense to me anymore. I'm relieved that only a few people read them. Most of the ones that did liked the storyline but some said the Bible passages trapped up the story. Some were even offended by them. That was the last thing I wanted to hear. it meant that the very people I was trying to reach, wouldn't want to read them.

Now the first two episodes are up on Kindle Vella. 

The Scribe, book one of Ministers Of The Mystery (You can read the first two for free)

September 13, 2019, the gates of hell groaned open waiting for Chris Papadopoulos to make his final, fatal decision. It started to feel as if his life was a horror novel the ghost of Thomas Aquinas would have started and Edgar Allan Poe was put in charge of the ending. Little did he know how right he was. The book evil forces feared most was in his hands but he forgot he had it.


He went to church while growing up in Salem MA until he was heading left for LA to become a reporter. After surviving many events covering major events, getting wounded, and surviving an attempted murder, he thought God was a vindictive SOB. How many times have you thought the same thing when you tried to do the right thing and saw your life go to hell? I know there were times when I had those same thoughts but they didn't last long.

Surviving what causes PTSD is a lot like that. It hits you when you least expect it and thankfully, the chance to heal comes when you least expect it, and all too often, when you least believe you deserve to be happier. That is exactly what Chris goes through. He didn't realize that what happened to him, also deeply affected his friends. He didn't understand how all of them were struggling to heal too until they began to open up so they could help him heal the way they did.

I believe PTSD strikes the core of who we are. It's an assault on our souls and spreads out to take over our lives until we find the right weapons to defeat it. If you ever hear someone talk about the demon when they have PTSD, that is exactly what we all have to fight and the best way to do that is by understanding what it is, why you have it, what it does to you, and then kicking its ass. Once you understand you do have the power to take its power away, mental health therapy works wonders but when you add in spiritual help, you have a fuller recovery and can come out on the other side of this darkness maybe even better than you were before "it" happened to you.

Tuesday, October 4, 2022

I hugged myself today!


Wounded Times
Kathie Costos
October 4, 2022

Last month I wrote about how I realized that I couldn't hug myself. I still had compassion for other people but didn't have any for myself. It showed in the book I was editing. The 13th Minister Of The Mystery is part three in The Lost Son Series. After going back into therapy to heal from grief, it started to work enough that I found the courage to submit it to publishers and agents. Huge for me! The last time I tried that was back in 2000 when I wrote For The Love Of Jack. An author, who was brilliant, talented, and a genius when it came to PTSD, even tried to help me find a publisher. No luck. I ended up self-publishing it and have been self-publishing ever since.

If you don't know what authors go through trying to find a publisher or agent, it is an arduous process, to say the least. Each one wants things done differently. Sometimes I think was easier to write three books in a year. This last one is over 115,000 words. Then you wait for rejections. It's like waiting for a broken bone to heal. As bad as that is, more publishers and agents won't even bother to respond. So far, it's been more silence than rejections, but at least the rejections end the torment.

There was one of them that I had great hopes in and, to tell the truth, I was hopeful to check my email every day until the rejection came. At least they wished me luck as I cried. Because of the therapy, I was able to finally, mercifully, hug myself when I read it. It may not seem like such a big deal to reach the point when I had compassion for myself, but it was something I couldn't do all year. I also had a huge glass of wine with dinner.

Maybe that's the best message I can give right now. I am still healing but not having the ability to have compassion for myself was in the way of my healing. When you have PTSD, that can happen to you too. After you survive, you go through a rollercoaster of emotional highs and lows. I remember one second I felt lucky to have survived and in the next moment I felt like a large because it happened to me. The "why me" question worked both ways. Why did I survive and why did it happen to me at all followed did God save me or did He do it to me in the first place? When I stopped asking why it happened, the most important question of all had to be, "what do I do about it now?"

I answered that one by learning all I could until I understood what came with the trauma and what came afterward with surviving it. To know how much power I had to define the rest of my life as a survivor, I think was the most empowering thing of all. Even more, comfort came when I learned that trauma and PTSD do not just happen to people that fight wars, but end up fighting the war within themselves. One part of your head tells you that you deserve to suffer, and that comes when you think God did it to you. The other side is telling you that you survived for a reason and that comes when you think God saved you. For me, in the ten times I survived, it was a battle between the two forces topped off with expecting people to understand that surviving changes all of us, no matter to what degree we go through.

That's what I put into these books. Admittedly, I did change the ending of the 13th Minister Of The Mystery as I began to heal. The main character is male but is a lot like me fighting the same battles I did. Ok, all of the characters are either chunks of me or me I wish I could be. Once I was able to hug myself, Chris started to be able to do the same thing and accept the changes he had been through for a greater purpose than he ever dreamt of.

All of us can too! Oh, btw, that isn't the book cover since I'm still waiting to hear from some more agents and publishers, but I wanted to play around in Photoshop.


Tuesday, August 2, 2022

Lies they told you about PTSD


Wounded Times
Kathie Costos
August 2, 2022

Get over it! It's all in your head! You're mentally weak! No one wants to hear about it! You should be ashamed of yourself if you let it get to you! It's time to move on! Don't be such a baby! You can't have PTSD because you're not a veteran! 

How many times have you heard a boat load of crap after you survived something that could have killed you, coming out of the mouths of people when their worst problem is someone got their order wrong at McDonald's? Don't expect them to understand and don't expect the media to tell you the truth. It's gotten to the point where I'm impressed when a report actually covers #PTSD in non-veterans. That's pretty sad.

As a fellow survivor, researcher, and advocate, I've heard all the stuff for four decades and I'm sick and tired of it because it keeps getting repeated. What doesn't get repeated often enough is the truth. The only way to get the truth into the minds of those needing to hear it is to expose the lies.

Let's start with the biggest lie of all. 

You can't have PTSD because you're not a veteran! 

The truth is, the rest of us know that surviving traumatic events produces residual effects because Vietnam veterans returned from combat and forced the government to research it and add it to the disabilities they compensate for. It never goes away but because of research, we know that it does not have to retain power over the rest of our lives as survivors.

Other jobs cause PTSD because of traumatic events piling onto what the jobs caused while living as a citizen. Civilians get PTSD from every traumatic event responders respond to but the responders cannot see that fact.

What are the jobs other than combat? Law enforcement, firefighters, first responders, non-deployed members of the National Guards and Reservists, doctors, nurses, members of the clergy, and yes even reporters

The truth is, no matter what caused it, survivors of trauma can end up in the PTSD club no one wants to join, even from just one event. It isn't how many events we escape. It is the one that caused the demon of PTSD to penetrate.

Non-survivors don't get it, because the only way to enter into the world of PTSD is as a survivor. When they tell you what they think, it is based on their usual lives. Survivors live with the unusualness of seeing their sense of life as they knew it becomes a foreign land of unknowns.

They want to "fix" you by saying what they think you need to hear about what they think you need to do. They don't know common sense no longer applies because what you're living with, what hitched a ride in your life, is far from common.

When you hear there is no cure for PTSD, which is true, if you settle for that, then there is no hope of a better life. Yet, when they tell you you do have power over the rest of your life, that clues you in on the simple, basic facts, that life can become a lot better and happier than it is at your worst moments.

Common sense then becomes empowerment because you are aware of all the treatments, therapies, and support groups that came into existence did so because more people were not willing to settle for suffering as survivors instead of enjoying as such. When you realize the power within you began after your power was taken away by the event or the people that caused you harm, were defeated, you feel like a survivor. No apology is ever warranted because you lived through something others did not.

When I started writing The Lost Son Alive Again series, I was angered by what I was reading being passed off as something worth reading. I kept wondering where were the facts. Where were reports that managed to inspire empowerment? So I wrote them in the lives of the characters' real survivors inspired.

Last night while working on the third part of the series, I wrote about one of the main characters. Her name is Grace and she survived the Pulse massacre, not as an attendee, but as a police officer responding to it. She was healed enough to live a productive life as a retired officer, turned Chaplain, and leader of a group dedicated to helping others heal.

She was being haunted by her memories and something that was trapped within them and talking to a therapist, who was also her friend.


Grace was on the Zoom call with Dariana. She was wiping her eyes, “But I don’t understand. I thought when you read the records from my other therapist, I wouldn’t have to talk about all of it again.”

“That’s right but this is something she never got you to talk about. If you’re willing, we may be able to figure out what still has a hold on your mind. Are you willing?”

“Yes. I know I have to.”

“Do you want to?”

“No. I don’t want to go through this but I know it’s the only way of putting the past in the past.”

“Ok. Close your eyes or get up and walk around so that I can hear you. You don’t have to be looking at me if you get uncomfortable.”

“Ok. I’ll start and then go with what takes some pressure off. I forgot about where we left off the night of the blizzard.”

“You’re Mom heard gunshots, called the police, and told you to put your snowsuit on. What happened after that?”

“She got her coat and boots on, got the flashlight, and was looking for a key. She was frantically searching for it and found it. It must have been to our neighbor’s house. She picked me up and put me on her back because the snow was too deep. She tripped a couple of times but made it up the stairs. She knocked and called out Sarah but no one answered the door. She used the key, opened the door, and told me to sit on the floor facing the door and she didn’t want me to move. Right after that, the power came back on.”

“Did you listen to her or did you follow her?”

“I listened to her until she called me to go to her.” She started to cry, got up, and walked around.

“Where was she?”

“She was in the kitchen on the floor with Kevin.” Grace stopped walking, “Oh my God! Sarah was dead! I had to walk by her! There was blood all over the floor and I slipped.” Grace put her arms around her waist and hunched her back. 

Dariana waited, watching Grace, giving her time, and then called out her name. "Grace. What did you see?”

“My Mom was down on the floor with Kevin. She was trying to help him. She needed to call the police again but she had to stay with him. She told me to get the phone as close to her as I could and call them for her. She shouted at them and told them that if they didn’t get there soon Kevin was going to die.”

“Did they come?”

“After a while, yes. They had to park way down the next street because our street hadn’t been plowed yet. Kevin looked at one of the officers and said his Mom shot him. And then, he died.”

“What happened after that?”

“They did what they could. Two other officers came and took over. They walked me and my Mom back to our house. One of them carried me.”

“Do you remember anything else?”

“No.”

“Ok, you said you didn’t have your boots on. What was on your feet?”

“I don’t know. I had on heavy socks because it was so cold in the house. Why?”

“Grace, what did you look at when the officer was carrying you out the door?”

“Nothing.”

Dariana let her think about it. “Are you sure? You didn’t see anything in their house? Did you see Sarah?”

“Oh my God! Yes. And then I saw my bloody footprints!”

“Ok. Let’s get you back in your house. What happened after that?”

“My Mom had me up on the counter, took off my socks, and threw them away. She washed my feet and told me to forget all about what I saw that night.”

“Did your Dad come home soon after that?”

“The next day. He was yelling at my Mom. I never heard him yell at her before. She told him that he knew what she was like when they got married and as a nurse, she had to do something or wouldn’t be able to forgive herself for not trying. He understood and hugged her afterward.”

“What about Kevin’s Dad?”

“He moved out a couple of days later and never came back. My parents never talked about it after that.”

“And now you found the key. That was all still buried in your mind. When Pulse happened, I remember you said that there was so much blood, your boots were soaked and even your socks were covered with blood. That’s a lot to take without ever having therapy or being able to talk to someone about any of it. I’m amazed you were as together as you were all that time.”

“So this is why it all came back? You’re right. I never really got past any of it because of how it all started. I guess seeing Chris shot and blood on my shoes was more than I could take.”

“Yes and now you can take power away from it. Back when it happened, most people didn’t know what traumatic events like that did, especially to little children. Did your Mom change at all after that?”

“Once in a while, I’d see her looking out the window at their house and she cried a little. Mostly when it snowed. I heard her talking to my Dad and she said something about everything she saw as a nurse in the Air Force, that was the hardest one of all to get through.”

“How long did you live there after that?”

“My Dad got transferred to Florida the next year and we moved there. He said it never snowed in Florida and we could have a fresh start.”

“How did you end up in Salem and meeting Chris?”

“He was a Colonel by then and was back at Hanscom. When he retired he had a great job in Boston and we didn’t have to move anymore. That was when I met Chris and he cared so much about me that I found my best friend and my first love.”

“And the rest I know. I also know that if you got through all that, on top of when you were taking care of Pam and Rose, you are a very strong woman and have a very rare soul. It also proves that you know when to ask for help when you need it and you’ll be a lot happier now without all that weighing on your memories.”

“You know, I think you’re right. It all fits now. Thank you!” She laughed. “You know, when Chris said you were a genius at getting people to remember what they didn’t want to, he was right. You are.”

“That’s my job, plus I know a little bit about how you were feeling. I was the one that found my Dad after he committed suicide. I was older, but still, I was only sixteen. My Mom and he separated and I went to clean his apartment for him. He had been dead for two days and it always haunted me that he would choose death over talking to someone. I have to keep reminding myself that back then, no one was talking about what they were going through because they couldn’t understand it either.”

“So now you give them a safe place to talk and can read them enough to know what they’re trying to hide.”

“It’s not so much what you or they are trying to hide, it is more a matter of something that is hiding in their memories and trying to get out. Are you ok now or do you want to talk some more?”

“I’m ok and thank you.”

“You’re welcome and we should still catch up tomorrow a the same time and then you can decide if you need me more or not.”

“That’ll be good. Thank you so much! Have a good night.”


And that's how the main character healed. He was a reporter, yet veterans helped him heal. He had a wonderful childhood with loving parents, yet survivors of child abuse helped him heal. He was a survivor of domestic abuse and violence as a husband inflicted by his first wife, yet a woman that survived what her husband did to her, helped him heal. He was not gay, but a gay female ex-wrestler helped him learn how to fight to take back power over his life. He was not a police officer, but one helped him heal and opened his heart again. He walked away from God, yet an ex-priest helped him heal and find God again.

None of them knew what it was like to be Chris, but they all understood what surviving did to him as much as they knew what he needed to heal his life.

I didn't serve yet worked with veterans and their families because I understood what it did to them. One day, I had a veteran challenge me saying I didn't know what I was talking about because I wasn't a veteran.  He turned it into a contest. So, I listed everything I survived. I asked him if he survived any of them. He said he didn't. Then I asked him if he could understand what all that did to me. He said he did. That got him to open his eyes to the simple fact that survivors may not have lived through the same event, but we are all living with the results of surviving. The cool thing is, that most of us are more than willing to share the recovery so others can pass it on too!

Tuesday, July 19, 2022

Dedicated to the ones I love

Wounded Times
Kathie Costos
July 19, 2022

Mention PTSD to anyone and right away, the thought of veterans pops into their brain. They never think about all the others struggling to heal what they survived. 

If you are a veteran or current member of the military and have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, these books were written for you, but not the way you may think they were. I love you and want to offer a way to heal and help others you learn to heal from what you understand.

If you are a veteran or current member of law enforcement and have PTSD, these books were written for you, but not the way you may think they were. I love you and want to prevent you from ending your pain the wrong way, and heal the better way with hope.

If you are a veteran or current firefighter and have PTSD, these books were written for you, but not the way you may think they were. I love you and want to offer a way to heal and help others you learn to heal from what you understand.

The causes of PTSD in these books are for survivors trying to find hope after someone or something caused PTSD to move into their life.

Veterans are included along with a soldier so traumatized by what he saw, that he was kicked out of the Army with a personality disorder discharge instead of getting the help he needed. His suicide caused the others he served with to question their own careers while they were dealing with PTSD. There are veterans from Korea, Vietnam, Afghanistan, and Iraq.

Survivors of Law enforcement members are included. Firefighters, doctors, nurses, domestic violence, child abuse, LGBTQ, and clergy.


The main character is Chris Papadopoulos. He wasn't a soldier serving in Afghanistan and Iraq. He was a reporter and spent 10 years covering the wars in both countries until a bomb blast almost killed him. He was an often under-discussed male survivor of domestic violence and attempted murder at the hands of his wife. He also survived attempted suicide on the night his life began to change again.

If you go to church and have the support you need to heal, fabulous. You probably won't need to read these books unless you want to understand how to help someone with PTSD reconnect to God. 

If you are among the majority of people I've talked to over the last 40 years, including me, and are churchless, these books are for you.

If you were pushed away from the church, you may fear what is in the Bible. The truth is, there is power within the pages. The characters in these books are not what many think Christians are. They drink, swear, and smoke. They used drugs. They walked away from God when they all needed Him the most. They were all lost until someone helped them find their way back to His love. Yes, He loves them too.

The people that came to help Chris, survived and healed, so they knew exactly what Chris was going through and the best way to help him. When they did, he turned around to help the world heal.

Personally, I survived over 10 events that I wrote about because I am living proof that miracles happen, and when you feel as if everyone abandoned you because they don't understand you, God is still there.

They are magical realism because surviving the source of PTSD, was out of the ordinary, but healing is a magical thing especially when you become a miracle in someone else's life. The power you need to heal is within your soul. Isn't it time to plug into the source?

The Lost Son Alive Again and Stranger Angels Among Us are on audio as well as Amazon for paperback, Kindle, and Google Play.


Sunday, July 3, 2022

Stranger Angels Among Us Healing PTSD

Wounded Times
Kathie Costos
July 2, 2022

“If I say it, it will become real and you’ll know I’m nuts.”

Those were the words Chris told his therapist. He wasn't a veteran but had #PTSD. It hit him after reporting on the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan from 2001 to 2012 when a bomb blast nearly killed him. It struck him again when his wife decided waiting for him to commit suicide was taking too long, and she decided to kill him. For seven years, he lost everything he had evaporate, including his faith in God.

On Google Play and Audio July 4th, 2022

The Lost Son Alive Again is part one of this three-part series. It is also available as an audiobook.

The series is about the PTSD all of us survivors face. Too many dismiss what we go through because reporters cover veterans more than the rest of us. If they don't know we're real, we feel abandoned with no way of finding comforting support to discover we are not alone and our futures are not filled with hopelessness.

Chris was a reporter and domestic violence survivor with PTSD. The only friend Chris had was the bartender at a local bar. Ed was an ex-pastor with PTSD after a young veteran committed suicide instead of talking to him.

Chris's best friend Bill since childhood was a soldier with PTSD, determined to stay in the Army until a member of his unit was kicked out under personality disorder instead of being helped. David was in the same unit with PTSD, also retiring believing it was his only option. They walked back into Chris's life on the night he decided it was time for his suffering to come to an end.

David and Bill told Chris about Mandy, a mysterious woman living in Gabriel New Hampshire that healed them. She was a survivor of child abuse and domestic violence because her husband abused her and then tried to kill her.

He met Alex and Mary Michaels, brother and sister Christian book publishers who had PTSD from child abuse. They offered him a chance to write a book about healing PTSD, sending him on a journey to not just change his life, but the lives of all survivors.

Grace was a retired Orlando Police Officer with PTSD after the Pulse Nightclub massacre. She was one of  Chris's best friends too.

Drake was a gay female wrestler until during her last fight, her opponent died. She had PTSD from that along with the suicide of her first love interest. She became Mandy's protector after Mandy saved her from suicide.

Benjamin was a Vietnam veteran with PTSD and extremely wealthy because a Korean War veteran helped him heal.

Throughout these books, there are many different characters struggling to heal and when they find it, they pass it on to all those they come into contact with. 

Part two introduces more characters and covers their spiritual struggles along with how healing is always a work in progress. It is a battle no one wins alone, but with support, it is one that can be won. 

From Stranger Angels Among Us


Chris arrived at his therapist Dariana Kemp’s office. The pastor Ed told him about helping him heal and had retired but he suggested another pastor/psychologist he knew. She was a good fit for Chris and gained his trust. He called her for an emergency appointment before he left for Gabriel.

Her office was in an old mansion in the center of Salem. She was only middle-aged but had the wisdom of what Chris called an “old spirit” with short salt and pepper hair, piercing eyes, behind large rim purple glasses, and an infectious laugh. She knew more about the Bible than anyone else he had ever known. She got into working on PTSD using psychology and spirituality after losing her Vietnam veteran father to suicide.

Chris sat in the huge leather chair near the fireplace playing with his fingers as his eyes moved everywhere in the room, avoiding having to look at Dariana. He knew she could see right through him.

While he was looking at the massive wall of books, she gave him a few minutes to put his thoughts together, then gave up. “Ok Chris, it’s time to speak up. What’s going on? You said it was urgent.” She knew him well enough to have extra patience with him. For a great writer, he was lousy at concocting stories to speak and even worse at lying to cover up what he didn’t want to say. 

“I’m upset Grace isn’t coming because I don’t want to do this but she was going to make it a little easier to do. Now I have to go there alone, have my heart ripped out for Mandy, and then drive back alone.” He took a deep breath, finally looked at her, then hung his head down. “I don’t want to do it, but I know I have to.  I want you to tell me I don’t have to go there.”

“You don’t have to go there. You could just email Drake, get her thoughts about Mandy and let her approve the script or make her changes. But you already know that. Why do you need me to tell you what you already know?”

“I guess I needed reassurance.” Hating the thought of having to admit it, “My confidence is in the toilet right now. The first book was done and in book stores in six months and so was the second one. I’ve been working on this one for eight months and it still isn’t done.”

“What do you think is holding you back?”

“The others were easier, I guess because I lived in that hell and I knew what put me there. With this, with it being about kids, it’s causing more emotional pain than I expected. I had to read so many articles on child abuse, that it made me sick. That’s why I knew I had to talk to the people already in my life because they lived in that hell and found their way out.” Dariana saw he was holding something back. She waited. He slammed the arm of the chair. “You know what pisses me off the most about all this?”

“That it’s all still happening?”

“Not just that. The so-called pro-life people screaming about how they are protecting the lives of the unborn! What about protecting the lives of the born? What about protecting them when they get raped or abused by their parents? I keep thinking about that woman who was raped and decided to have the baby so she could put it up for adoption but the rapist had rights just because of the state they lived in. If he hadn’t freaked out and got shot in jail, I wonder what would have happened to the baby.”

“Sometimes it’s like laws protect criminals more than the victims.”

“Ya. All these claims about morality and not a peep out of any of them about kids being gunned down in schools by weapons designed to kill as many as possible because other people want to have fun with those same guns. These born children should matter to all of them at least as much as the unborn. Since they don’t, since they don’t show up in mass to protect children born into this world, with the soul from God within their bodies, it proves those people are only pro-birth and I think that is a true abomination.”

“God granted everyone free will to make their own choices about their bodies and what they do or do not believe. Sometimes I wonder what gives others the right to force their own beliefs onto everyone else. They scream the loudest, so everyone else is their enemy and evil in their eyes. There are denominations believing people have the right to decide for themselves. Presbyterians fully support the right for people to decide for themselves so that every child is loved because they were wanted. I still preach when another pastor goes on vacation and gets into all kinds of discussions with folks because of all the other talk that’s out there. They know what is right for them and what their moral values are, but they end up questioning themselves because others try to force theirs on them.”

“And most of the others are phony as hell.” Dariana saw how the anger just rushed out of him. Then sadness moved in. “Like Mandy’s parents. I need to know what it was like for Mandy before she became a miracle worker. That’s the only way I can be able to help kids with the new book. I think the only way I can understand what it was like living in that hell, is to go in there so God can get them out.”

“So how are the mood swings now? How many times does it still happen?”

“They aren’t as bad as they used to be."

“Good. Work on that more. You’ve been hearing the stories of others for a couple of years now. Why is Mandy’s story so hard for you?”

“I honestly don’t know. I’ve been questioning myself more than usual in the last couple of months. I mean, I had a great childhood. My parents loved me, gave me what I needed and I always knew they were proud of me.” His hands began to tremble. He stood up, and she turned to watch him walk to the window. He was looking away from her, shoved his hands into his pockets, and took a deep breath. “In a way, I’m glad they passed away before all that happened. I don’t think I could have taken seeing the pain in their eyes. They’d have no way of knowing how things would turn out like this and it would have been seven years of agony for them too.”

“I can understand that. What do you think they’d feel about all this now?”

“They’d be proud but, I’m glad they didn’t have to suffer before my life got good again.” He slowly walked back to the chair and sat down.

She waited for him to say more, watched his body language and how his eyes were moving. “I think you’re holding something back, but when you’re ready, you’ll tell me what it is. “ How’s the drinking?”

“Good. I enjoy it now instead of abusing it and starting to learn how to, as you said, experience my feelings, like you said I should, instead of trying to drown them. It isn’t easy but you taught me how to stop fighting them.”

She grinned, “Seriously? Did you forget you suck at lying?”

“Honestly, I still drink too much when things get too intense.”

“We'll work on that and maybe start praying on it instead of trying to get plastered.“

“I’ll try harder.”

“We talked a lot about the flashbacks before but I need you to go back to right before it. Where were you going to?”

“We were headed to meet Bill and his unit.”

“What was your mood like?”

“I don’t know. I was pissed off about something.”

“Can you remember what it was?”

As he covered his mouth, his eyes were moving rapidly, then froze looking at her. “I was pissed off because I tried to get her to go a different way. It was like a premonition that the road was dangerous.”

“Any idea where that came from?”

“I don’t know. The longer we were on that road, the stronger the feeling of doom came over me.” He sat quietly searching his memory. “The more upset I was getting, the more she laughed at me. I told her she was just as bossy as my wife and told her they had more than just their names in common. Oh my God! I forgot her name was Brenda too. Wow! Anyway, we had the windows up because of all the sand, but for some reason, I opened mine.”

“You said you were looking out the window. Do you remember what made you turn your head to the left?”

He winced, “If I say it, it will become real and you’ll know I’m nuts.”

“Just say it and then that memory will lose some of the power it has over you. Besides, I told you before, we’re all a little bit nuts.”

He didn’t want to say it. The words were trying to get out but he locked his lips to stop them from escaping knowing once he said it, he’d never be able to take it back. He looked at her, remembered how much he knew he could trust her, and the words escaped. “I heard my name.”

“Was it your driver’s voice?”

“No, it was a male’s voice. I heard it loud and clear but I can’t make sense out of it because we were going something like forty miles an hour and her window was still up.”

“Have your thoughts about that changed since it happened?”

“No. To tell you the truth, I forgot about most of that. Why? What do you think it means?”

“Maybe God was trying to prevent it? We hear stories of things like that happening all the time. Someone didn’t get on a plane for reasons they couldn’t explain and it ended up crashing. People decide to go a different way and then end up discovering there was a major accident or a bridge collapsed. I think God tries to prevent a lot of things but people don’t understand what He’s trying to get them to pay attention to.”

“All I know right now is, if I didn’t open the window, the glass would have shattered on top of the shrapnel hitting us. If I didn’t turn my head to the left because of the voice, if I survived it, my face would have been destroyed and I probably would have been blind. Hard to take in right now, but I know you’re probably right.

“I’m glad you told me that and let that secret out. That flashback will lose some power now, just like when you found out Brenda died and wouldn’t haunt you anymore. What about the dreams? Any closer to making sense of them?

“Nope. They’re getting stronger. Last night I saw Grace at the Salem Willows wharf. She was standing on the edge for a while then she jumped in. She didn’t come back up.” Chris looked down at the floor.”

“Is that how it ended?”

“No. I was terrified and woke up. My heart was beating hard and I forced myself to go back to sleep. Then in the dream, she came up out of the water holding the woman from the other dreams. Grace was dry but she was dripping wet with her hair all over her face. The only thing I could see was her lips. She mouthed the words, ‘help me find my way,’ and then I woke up.” “Didn’t the sleeping pills help?”

“No, I stopped taking them because they made it worse. I couldn’t wake up after it started and then it just went into loop replay with the same dream. Without them, I can wake up and when I finally fall back to sleep, they usually don’t start again.”

“So the dreams could be tied to the book. You said they were getting stronger over the last couple of months and that was when you started to struggle with it.”

“I just keep thinking what if,” he didn’t want to get the words out because he knew once he did, it would become real. “What if I’m not supposed to write this one and that’s why I’m having a hard time?”

“What if you are and you are the one fighting yourself? Think about it. What came over you to want to write it in the first place?”

“Some of the letters I got about the other books. People told me what they went through and how much the books helped them. When I started to write it, that was around the same time the dreams started but they were only coming once in a while.” “That’s starting to sound more like a vision than just a dream.”

“What do you mean?”

Dariana got up, went to the bookcase, and returned with a book in her hand, The Vision Awaits. She handed it to Chris. “The book of Revelations was filled with visions of what John saw. It’s like the feeling you have that is compelling you to go back to Gabriel. The same thing you felt when you were compelled to go there the first time and back last year. It’s a vision of something you need to know has to happen instead of you just feeling what you need to do.”

“I trust God more than ever, but I still have a hard time trusting myself. Do you think the dreams are getting stronger because the time is getting closer to it happening?”

“Maybe. That’s something that you need to be patient for. None of us can see what God can. None of us know what’s the best way, but He does. Most of the time we create a mess because we don’t like to wait for anything, and what makes it harder, is when we lose faith it will happen. We screw things up by trying to do it on our timeline. I’ve done that plenty of times myself. I think we all have. I also know that getting to people soon after the trauma happens has a lot better chance of keeping them from the extra suffering.

“I know I wish I leaned on someone and then maybe, just maybe, I wouldn’t have suffered for those seven years.” Chris looked down at the floor. “I mean, I know it wasn’t all my fault what happened to me, but I decided to walk away from God when I should have been running toward Him.”

“You didn’t have anyone to open your eyes and give you a reason to. Don’t be so hard on yourself.

Chris was feeling a rush of guilt, “That’s just it. At first, I did. Bill tried for a while. The Chaplain in his company kept reaching out to me whenever I went to cover the wars. I remember the second time I was covering them, I forgot my Bible. I missed having that comfort. The Chaplain handed me it and I carried it on every assignment until it got blown up with me in Afghanistan. Then, after I was back home, recovering, he kept calling me and emailing me and I wouldn’t respond. I think that was God’s way of telling me He was there for me but I refused to see it. Over the years, it was like I didn’t even want to admit someone was trying to help me. Bill, eventually he gave up too.”

“Did you try to contact him?”

“Who? Bill or the Chaplain?”

“Both. I know you have Bill back in your life but what about the years in between?”

“I wasn’t ready to listen back then. I guess after that, I felt ashamed of the way I treated him and the Chaplain. After the press conference we had about the Netflix series, the Chaplain wrote me a letter and said that he never gave up on me but put me into God’s hands. He said that he always saw something special in me and when he saw me giving my speeches, he saw it come out. He said he was proud of me.”

“Did you write back to him?”

“Ya. We even spoke a few times on the phone since then. I keep wondering what would have happened if I did listen to him back then. Would the rest of this still happen?”

“That’s something only God knows. I don’t pretend to know His mind any better than you do, but from what I’ve learned about you, I don’t think you would have accomplished what you did had you not suffered the way you did.

“What do you mean?” Chris was getting angry, “That my suffering was part of His plan?

“Hell no. What I mean is, that you weren’t ready to listen but above that, you had forgotten how powerful God is and how much all of us do depend on others in this world. That is what you’ve added to what you are preaching.”

“I’m not a preacher!”

“Yes, you are. You keep saying that as if you don’t want to admit it to yourself. That is exactly what you’ve been doing. Why do you get so defensive whenever that is pointed out to you? Is that what you’re holding inside of you?”

Chris looked down at the floor. “I don’t know how to say it. I’ve never told another person. I didn't even tell Mandy the whole thing.”

Dariana leaned forward in her chair. “Whatever it is, it may be what’s missing in your healing. Just close your eyes and tell me.”

“When I was young I wanted to become a Priest. That part I was able to talk about. It was a reoccurring dream that I never talked about before.”

“You’re in a safe place right now to talk about it. Just close your eyes so you aren’t trying to read my facial expressions and remember the dream.”

Chris leaned back, closed his eyes and the memory came to life. “I was in the sanctuary wearing the vestments of a priest, and carrying an empty challis, walking down the aisle, like the Holy procession but there was no one else inside. All the pews were empty. Instead of going up another aisle, I carried the challis out the front door. When I got outside, I was wearing a flannel shirt, T-shirt, jeans, and sneakers, as I wore to school. I stood on the top step, looked down at the challis and it was full. I looked up and saw hundreds of people there. I gave Communion to all of them, and then preached on the Parable of the Good Samaritan.”

Chris opened his eyes. Dariana was looking at him. “What happened after that?”

“I just saw it all again like it was happening.”

“Close your eyes again and tell me what you told the people.”

“I preached to the crowd about the Good Samaritan and how the stranger took care of the man who had been attacked and robbed. How those who claimed to be serving God had no compassion in them.” He recited Luke 10:30-37. Chris opened his eyes. Dariana was amazed. “You said that perfectly. How much more of the Bible have you memorized?"

“That’s the only one. I think it’s because I had that dream so many times when I was young, it became a part of me.” “Have you thought about why it means so much to you?"

“I’m not sure but I always thought about the Samaritan and what happened afterward. I mean, no one knew what he did other than the man he helped and the Innkeeper. So what Jesus said must have come from God watching it. I think God was trying to get the others to stop and help the man but the Samaritan was the only one who listened to Him. I thought about how he must have done a lot of other things only God knew about and that was the way I should live my life too. Now I get upset when people praise me and ask why I do it. The other thing that bothers me is when I get accused of trying to turn people away from the church. I mean, maybe in the back of my mind, they’re right. I mean, it’s appalling to me how so many members of the clergy, no matter what denomination, show absolutely no connection to what Christ taught. They give Christians a bad name and make people think they’re all reprehensible.”

“There is another way to look at it. You brought the Communion out to people who felt they couldn’t enter the church. That tells me what you’ve been doing is exactly what you were intended to do. It also means that the vision of the woman you’ve been having is not the first time you had a vision.”

“What do you mean?”

“That dream you kept having was more like a vision but you just didn’t understand it. You put hope back into the minds of the hopeless. You bring the power of God’s love directly to the churchless children of God. They’re learning that they’re not Fatherless. Maybe in a way, you’re also proving the frauds are not serving God.”

“I hope you’re right because I’m going to need to harness whatever power I have inside of me to do it. It feels as if something is brewing out there.”

“Then pray for the words they’ll need to hear.” Dariana smiled, “The spirit inside you has given you the words people needed to hear and will keep giving them to you. Believe that and trust that. It also explains why you feel so uncomfortable with people praising you. Just deal with it and praise God more so they’ll see He is behind whatever you do for them.”

When Chris got up to leave, Dariana decided to ask him a question she had been wondering since they met. “I have to ask you something. You’re a multimillionaire but you still dress like you don’t have any money at all and live in the same apartment you had. Why do you still live like you have nothing?”

“That’s an easy question to answer. I lived my life this way all along. Even when I had money living in LA, I didn’t like living in that condo. It was too fancy. I felt out of place. I also felt uncomfortable dressing up, like it wasn’t me. Anyway, I live a comfortable life even though it sure is an odd one.” He smiled and Dariana hugged him.

“Well, at least now I understand why you won’t let me tell anyone you’ve been paying me to take care of people with no insurance or money for the last three months.”

“You’re good and too many people need your help, like me. I want them to be able to heal like you’re helping me.

When Chris left, Dariana went over to her computer, opened Chris’s file, and said a prayer, as she always did when he left. She wrote, “I prayed for Chris that God would open his heart and mind and receive the courage and strength he needs for what is to come. I prayed that he would finally open his heart enough so that he would fully feel the joy of what true love is and let it fill the empty place still left in his soul.”

Chris got into his car and sat still for a while. He thought about what Dariana said and about the vision from his youth. It made him understand why he never wanted any praise for what he did for others and why he kept as much as possible secret.